Oh my, you dived deep into this topic. Everything you said resonates with me.

When I attempted my first suicide I did leave a note saying my daughter should be sent to her father.

I had three failed attempts which were impulsive. The finally one, I secretly planned to end it all, including my 3 months old baby when my parents thought I was getting better.

Thinking about those times hurts. I wish I could erase it from my memory.